Yeah. Relapse.

It's been bad. I think I may have slipped as far back as I was last February. I've been into college for maybe 2 days, but I've been physically ill through stress on some days as well as my other joyous issues. I'm trying very hard to perk myself up in time for Christmas. Last year was a bit, uhh, off because of the problems with my parents and wanting to leave Uni. I want this year to be a good one. I can't bear spoiling 2 Christmas' in a row.

But, yes. Bad thoughts, trouble sleeping, trouble eating, more bad thoughts... Not cool. I hope you'll forgive me for the disappearing act, but I really didn't want to worry people or make you suffer through rants and rambles. I'm trying to force myself out of it, too, and that's been a little on the extreme and rough side. Not to mention it hasn't worked. I have a new councellor though - Paul. Nice guy. I see him again on Friday... I haven't said much about the more serious things yet (only one session so far and didn't want to tell staight off) but I think I might have to talk about a couple this time.

And that's becoming a rant. OK! New subject... NOW!

I've bought a film camera! It's wonderful - I got it through my Grandpa, from a semi-pro. I got the camera itself, plus 2 extra lenses (1 of which is a telephoto, HELLZ YEA!), various filters, a tripod, remotes, 2 flashes... I'm starting using it tomorrow. I'm going to document my depression. Turn it into art, and see if that helps me to deal with it. Oh, I'm going to do other work and projects as well! This is mostly just to try and haul myself out of this hole. I get to start working in the darkroom again from Monday.

Yep, the blocks are over. Thank God. It's put me off going in, honestly - only 4 days per subject/medium means that once I've missed one or two I'm not going to be able to finish whatever I start. But then, I've been missing Fridays too. Mostly, though, that's because of the, umm, Less Than Understanding individuals in the group I'm in.

Oh! I actually have a little money! Not very much, and the ESA is still messing me around, but I've got enough that I can get presents for family and close friends. So I can breathe a small sigh of relief there.

I keep being inspired to write, but not getting my ideas down fast enough. I'm going to keep trying though. If nothing else, I feel better when writing or being otherwise creative. I've got a list of photography projects to start. There's about 15. *laughs* I should really get on and do it.

I'm catching up with everyone over the next couple of days, so if I haven't invaded your journal yet, rest assured that I will very soon. I've missed you all... But, as I've said before, I'd rather spare you my more extreme instances of depression. It's bad enough that you have to put up with my "medium" rants.

Love you all very much, my darlings.

I've posted some of my work from this half term so far HERE at microwaveblues, if anyone wants to have a look. tierfal meantioned an interest, so... Yes. Feel free to critique!

This morning was hilarious. Not. I managed to just miss my bus, but another that I thought I recognised from near college came along so I hopped on that instead of waiting in the cold and wet for 15 more minutes.

I was 1 number out.

Ye~ah. 5 minutes in I was thinking, "Oh, this one must go the long way around..." 15 minutes in I was thinking, "OMFG, where the effing hell am I let me off let me off LET ME OFF I'M LAAAAAAA~TE!" 20 minutes in I was thinking, "WHERE THE EFFING HELL IS THE NEXT SODDING STOP?! I'M GOING TO MISS THE WHOLE MORNING DAMMIT!"

So I was a little bit late today. XD

I did pretty well with the pinhole camera, and got some great images. One of them was of the library, and when there was just 20 seconds of the exposure left a drinks van pulled up half across the shot! It ended up being ghostly and translucent, you could see the old Victorian library though it and it turned out really well! =]

There have been snarls between my parents and I again. Glarg.

I'm stupidly tired today... I'm not going to have time to catch up with everyone tonight before I pass out, so most of my catch up will be tomorrow, I'm sorry! I hope you're all ok...

Love you lots, darlings!

I spent today in Manchester, at the Art School for the progression photography open day. It was supposed to be useful for me, but we literally saw the doors to a few darkrooms and a couple of computer suites, and then the photography course was mentioned once, in passing. Guh. I mean, I know the course anyway, and so it's no problem, but I really wanted to meet the guy that leads the course. Gavin Parry - he's a very cool photographer, and I'm a bit of a fan. But no. We spent forever in the fashion and textiles studios instead. *sulks*

I handled the fact that I was at a university pretty well, I think. I didn't feel nearly as awful as I thought I would, in fact the only time it went above mild anxiety was when we ended up in, of course, the economics department. Typical.

But the day was far from a waste...

I got to meet nasty_show! YAY! *dancing like a lunatic* She's ever such a cutie... And such a sweetheart, too! ILU DARLING! ♥

Plus I got to see Manchester centre, which I haven't been to since I was 10 or 11. Even if I had pretty much no money so I couldn't shop, but I scraped enough to buy a book I loved when I was, oh, 13? 15? Around then. I started re-reading it on the way home, and I still love it. =]

Furthermore, cake is good. Very good. Especially after irritating lectures about everything except what you want to hear about.

I really didn't get enough sleep last night, so my brain is fried. Love you all, ok? Beddy-byes now...

... Ok, and film to develop.

I've never been in a darkroom before today. It's a wonderful place. The lights and the smells of all the chemicals, and the whole atmosphere in there... It's perfection. Well, for me at least!

You should have seen me when I was developing my first contact sheet (oh! That's where you literally just print the whole film onto an A4 page of photo paper, same scale), I couldn't stop smiling! I can't tell if I scared Liza or if she was happy that one of the group was so enthusiastic (probably both), but I was literally bouncing on the balls of my feet as I watched the images fade in. Thay all turned out really well, too, so I'm a very happy girl... Oh, God. I almost can't bear going back to digital... I NEED to get myself an SLR. Liza's offered to lend me a medium-format manual camera to experiment with over the weekend as well, so that'll be fun. =]

I think we can safely say that I want to be a photographer for the rest of my life now.

I'm trying very hard to ration the delicious sweeties (see yesterday's post people. Basically, I recieved an amazing gift of epic proportions). It's difficult, they're yummy... eltea, tierfal, you ladies have DAMN good taste. ^_^

Unfortunately that means that I may actually have to - perish the thought - EXERCISE after I've eaten them all... Nah. Can't be bothered. I'll just... Eat extra carrots, and melon if I can get my grubby mitts on any. That'll even it out, right? XD

Being so isolated at college is taking a little getting used to. I'm ok, though. The people that do still deign to speak to me are lovely ones, but I don't like the idea of clinging to them all the time so I'm on my own quite a bit. I like being on my own in a classroom or studio at lunchtime to just read or work as it is though, so that's almost a perk. And I get along well with Liza and Lizzie, and all the other tutors although I don't speak to them as much, so that's good.

... And reading that back it sounds utterly pathetic. *slaps self* But, really, guys, don't worry. I'm really ok with it. May be not completely and totally, but at least 75%, which is a good amount to be content. It means you don't get complacent. I'm alright. Promise. =]

I've got the day at Manchester University tomorrow - turns out I'm the only one in the photography group going! I don't really understand why, but if they aren't interested... I haven't been to Manchester in ages actually (I think I last went when I was 11... XD ) so it'll be nice to have a look around, too. All I have to do is get there on time tomorrow morning.

Yeah. That part could be an issue. XD

Anyway, lovely people, I have to get things sorted for tomorrow, so I shall love you and leave you. *group huggles* =3

There is other news, but it's kind of been overshadowed. I came home today, and found a wonderful parcel for me from eltea and tierfal. There are sweets, and sweets, and SWEETS - did you guys know that Mily Ways aren't the same in the UK and US? Here they're a layer of chocolate around a white, fluffy, thick mousse centre, and in the US they're like Mars Bars! Isn't that cool?! - and a frog and a pen from the Uni, and a calligraphy pen, and bookmarks and an INCREDIBLY sweet and lovely letter... With Star Wars quote-age. STAR WARS, dudes. 8D

And I'm still sniffling and smiling like an utter fool and doing funny little dances on my chair.

But, dammit, girls, couldn't you have sent it later, when I might have the money to send something (attempting to be) equally wonderful back?! DX

Seriously though, I know I've already said it, but that meant the absolute world to me. THANK YOU.

I'm sorry, but that NEEDED to be ranted about.

OK! In other (less epic, but what the hell) news;

I finally did my project - a LEGO castle for the King, Queen and Jack playing cards. I'm not sure I like it, but it's something, and building it was intensely hilarious. I automatically reverted back to being a 9 year old. XD

My sister's invited me up to Edinburgh for Hogmanay! Basically, that's New Year, but the Scottish way, which is rather more enthusiastic than anywhere else. I'm excited. There will be crowds, and new people, and I should be terrified at the mere thought, but I'm EXCITED. 8D

I went into town with my Mum and Grandma Elizabeth last week. It was brilliant. To give you an idea about my Grandma Elizabeth, she's completely mad, one of THE nicest people you could ever hope to meet, and if I am NEARLY as wonderful a person as she is when I "grow up" I will be a very satisfied lady. She's fabulous. She (with Dad) taught me the ancient English arts of sarcasm and dry humour, and she was the one who was immediately supportive of me leaving uni and going into art. And she taught me the "Mud, mud, glorious mud" song. XD

Money MIGHT be sorted soon. I hope. I've re-applied and jumped through all the hoops they've asked of me, so it effing well better be or I may have a slight fit of The Rage going on.

This week is photography week! *happy dancing* I went out with an old school film camera and by jove do I want one. Not digital, not automatic, just an old SLR film camera. Liza (epic photography tutor) says that I should be able to get one for about £50. MONEY, BE SORTED SOON! I NEED THEE NAO! 

Liza's also encouraging me to keep going with photography. I told her about what I'm doing with "Turning Points" and she says she's very interested, and she's also trying to push me for progression - basically, it's a fast track into uni, although it's tough to get - into Manchester Uni for photography. I'm going over there on Wednesday to have a look around and things. But she says it'll suit me because I'm an "ideas" photographer - basically I'm more art-y and documentary than, say, fashion (which is what most people in the group are into). So, this should prove interesting.

Heck, I'm not even sure I want to go back to uni. But maybe for photography I could. I think. Honestly, I'm scared, but maybe if I can handle Wednesday without needing to run away...

Anyway, guys, I'm starting to ramble again. Sorry! I'll be invading your journals as soon as I can (i.e. tonight and tomorrow).

Love you all ever so much! ♥
 

First of guys, THANK YOU. The comments and messages after my last post emo rant were just... Thank you. They really meant a lot after that. Thank you so much! *group huggles*

OKAY.

The seminar.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

...is probably the only way to accurately describe it. XD

I was pretty nervous going in on Friday (and yes, the people from Thursday failed to acknowledge my existence even when I said hello in the hall to a couple of them, but what the hell) but I kept reading through the notes and I checked my facts and things about 100 times. I went in, I had a slideshow, I had handouts, I had 15 minutes of in-depth information. I was effing terrified the whole way through (they were LOOKING at me!!! DX ) but I got through it and was reasonably proud. Although, Graeme and Maddie had lots of questions so by the time I was ok to sit down again I was shaking like a leaf. But I didn't fall on my face or anything! *happy dancing* The slide show ran out before the questions did, and I stumbled over a couple of difficult names (Eisenstaedt, anyone?) but I thought I did ok overall.

The next person went up with 4 pictures on the computer and 5 minutes of general chatter. As did the next.

KILL ME NOW.

No wonder everyone looked at me like I was mental and Graeme looked like he might cry with joy when I gave out the hand-outs. XD

Ah, well. At least I should get a decent mark for it, right?

ANYWAY, I now have a week off, huzzah! But for some reason we've been given a project to do - we have to use a pack of playing cards. Oy vey. So unimaginative. But I'm sure I'll come up with something. Most likely on Monday night before it's due. XD At least my "Turning Points" collection is going well - I'm taking photos every time I turn a corner in transport. It's fun, and the photos are turning out well, but I don't half get some funny looks on the bus! XD

Mum bought me a gorgeous bag for my sketchbook. I feel terrible though, because I love it and want to use it, but it's too big - it'll drag along the ground and be ruined. The straps are too short to go over my shoulder when I have a coat on, too... Irrationally, it makes me want to cry. Daft, I know. I think it's because the situation with the parents has been deteriorating again. I hate it. I love them, but I can't bear living with them again when this happens. I keep trying, but whatever I'm doing just isn't enough to keep them happy. The money thing probably isn't helping either, to be honest.

The day we changed the clocks was hilarious. Not. I was trying to cook, but Mum had said something about "old time" and "new time" that moring and I ended up confused and upset and just sitting on the kitchen floor. At least I didn't screw the dessert up... Mmmm. Chocolate gateau...

I've cleared more books from my sister's room. I have 5 big stacks on the floor. Oh, dear... I guess I'll have to put some in boxes, and I don't know what I'll do with the rest. Eh. They'll probably end up piled on top of the cabinet or something. I fail.

I've found some old CDs. I LOVE musical nostalgia. It's highly entertaining, and LOUD.

The money thing is still bad. But I AM getting somewhere now, although I've had to re-apply. I just hope they sort it quickly. Please. I really have NO money now. I'm babysitting tonight, which is a godsend, but I'll probably end up giving that money to Dad.

Darlings, I'm mid-catch-up now. Seriously, reading your journals has once again made my day about a million times brighter. Thank you so much... With any luck I might finish before I have to go and babysit, but if not then I'm sorry and I'll invade tomorrow. I hope you're all ok! =]

Sorry for the massive ramble... Love you!

Seriously, this is just pathetic and all that jazz. And ends up being a little bit ranty, in a depressed sort of way... I won't be insulted or hurt if you skip reading it guys. I just needed to get it out and here was the least harmful. Glarg.

I went back to college today - I spent Tuesday with a migraine (sod's law, I tell you!) and then yesterday I got my head together and tried to sort myself out. I did pretty well.

I had to explain about my depression to my friends at college. I had alluded to it before, but having been off for a week I figured I couldn't really avoid telling the truth.

They were already a bit distant because I'd been away, but I think 3 quarters of them won't be speaking to me again.

You know how someone's feelings on a subject show through really quite easily on their face if they aren't trying to hide it? Most didn't try. It... It kind of hurt, to be totally honest. It was pretty plain that they thought I was either seriously pathetic, or seriously tapped. There was that look, like I had some disgusting contaigious disease, on some faces too. I guess it's a good thing I haven't known them long enough to get close, huh?

Martha was sweet to me about it, she already knows about it and is lovely. And I didn't tell Maddie, but she's smart and is often with Martha, and there was a slight hint about her that said she knew, but didn't want to bring it up. Nida smiled at me in the hallway...

Kind of pathetic that one of the highlights of my day was someone smiling at me as they walked by, jeez.

I'm abruptly reminded why I don't ever want most of my old friends to know what's going on with me, and why you guys mean the absolute world to me. Seriously, thank you so, so much.

Ugh, this is not helpful. I have to do a seminar in front of my Friday tutorial group tomorrow. As if I needed any LESS self-confidence. Thanks, narrow-minded peeps. Love you too.

The tutors were understanding, at least. Lizzie hugged me, was incredibly sweet, and nearly made me burst into tears (she was also kind enough not to mention how close to it I must've looked). I love Lizzie. She's officially my favourite tutor EVAR.

The seminar work is pretty much all done, by the way, but the need to sleep beforehand means that it'll be tomorrow evening that I try to do my customary catch-up of what you've all been up to since Monday. I'm sorry... I hope you're all ok and well, at least.

Love you, guys...

I'M SORRY! I'm useless, I'm really sorry - I meant to post the next day and I couldn't, then there has been just SO MUCH work to do for this course and my room and various financial things (that, incidentally, are driving me EFFING MENTAL) that I haven't had chance, and I'm so sorry! *sobs* I didn't mean to be so useless!

I've already started catching up on the lives of my lovely flist, and as usual it's brought ever such a smile to my face. I'VE MISSED YOU ALL! EVER SUCH A LOT! I'm glad you all (thus far, at least) seem well and happy. Really truly. It always makes me happy to know that you guys are, cheesy and cliche as that sounds. *laughs*

The course is still amazing and wonderful. I've been really busy though - I have to produce and deliver a seminar on photojournlism (thankfully only to 20 people rather than the full 85) so that's taking up a fair bit of my life right now. We did location art last week, and we have a trip to Liverpool on Friday... The next person I hear say that art is an easy, useless subject is going to have a VERY sore ear (and potentially jaw) by the time I'm done. REALLY not as easy as the cliche. If anything that makes me love it more though! *giggles* Daft, huh?

I've moved back into my old bedroom, now that Tori's gone to Edinburgh. It took AGES just to move my clothes in. And don't get me started on my books. I have too much manga. It's not all going to fit! *shock and horror right HERE*

My medication's screwing me over a bit. I don't like the increased dose, but I've run out for a couple of days and I can freely admit that it's necessary. Although - and this is really sick and stupid - sometimes I almost don't want to feel better. I don't know how to function, and it makes me feel like I have to be all bright and sunny and cheerful and friendly, and that just isn't me. I've been depressed since I was 12, although I didn't know it at the time. Yes, that did mean that I was more insular and more of a loner than I would've been otherwise, but I feel like that's me anyway. Trying to be outgoing all the time is driving me mad. So, I'm not going to. I want to get better, but I also want to be ME. One of my art tutors caught me at a weak moment and we talked about it a little. I feel better about it now - she told me that it was ok to be like that, and was very understanding. Even yesterday, she picked up on my pills making me tired and gave me just an extra sentence about what I was doing to encourage me.

My tutors are AMAZING, WONDERFUL PEOPLE. Really. I'd stick with the course solely to be around them, if it came down to it.

Money's becoming a problem. Namely because I have none. Ehh. Mum and Dad are being lovely about it, and I'm trying to get some of the Support Allowance I'm due. They don't make it easy, but I think I'm finally getting somewhere with them. Huzzah!

I'm on a massive X-Men kick. I can't help it. Oh, and I found a comic called "Madame Mirage", which is fantastic. You may snigger at my geekery, but I love it. XD

Oh, heck. This isn't half turning into a massive ramble... I'll stop now. I'm not going to say that I'll post tomorrow, because I simply won't have chance, but my aim is to post and catch up with my lovely flist at least once a week - preferably ever 3 or 4 days if I can. I really miss you guys when I end up being offline for longer, silly as you may think that is. You're my friends, and I love you all very much.

SO THERE. XP

I'll give a proper update tomorrow, because I'm very busy right now, BECAUSE...

I GOT ONTO AN ART COURSE!

I'm doing a course at Bradford for a year, which is why I've been so silent the past week. I've been very very nervous and didn't want to post anything because I knew I'd end up rambling about it and then if I didn't get in... But I'm now slightly insane and overjoyed!

Unfortunately I don't have time to say anything more than that right now, because I have calls to make and I need to get organised FAST. I only found out today, and the course starts tomorrow! This afternoon is ridiculously hectic...

Love you all and sorry for not having chance to do a proper entry or catch up with you all properly... I'll make sure that I'll do so tomorrow evening.

xxx

Oh, I want my bed...

My appointment with the councillor for an intro session went well... She was lovely and we've sorted out what I can do whilst I wait for the official councilling to start (there's a waiting list, of course, and it could be a couple of months) - there's a drop in session some days, so I can go to those if I want. But it went well, she was very understanding, all that good stuff.

Victoria passed her A-Levels! She did wonderfully! Brilliantly! She got into her Uni of choice on her course of choice. I'm feeling the who proud-big-sister vibe right now. I'm just really happy for her... =D

Oh, and I managed to lose my pills down the back of my cupboard, so I need to haul it out to get at them in the morning.

Anyway guys, I'm actually nearly asleep over here. I love you all, sweet dreams, have a good day and all that depending on where you are and what time it is...

Loves!

OH! MEME TIME! I nabbed this from the lovely, wonderful and downright adorable nasty_show. It was a pretty fun one to do.

MOSAIC MEME

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Pick an image.
c. Copy each image URL into Mosaic Maker. Change rows to 3 and columns to 3.
d. Save the image and post it.

The Questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favourite colour?
3. What is your favourite food?
4. Favourite drink?
5. Dream vacation?
6. Favourite hobby?
7. What you want to be when you grow up?
8. What do you love most in life?
9. Best self-description?